The Lost Letter

The very most honest and amazing letter I've ever recieved.

Well, please know that when I ever said to you that I loved you, I really meant it. Our love was real.

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April 25, 2013.

"Dearly Beloved, are you listening?
Let me apologize to begin with. Let me apologize for what I'm about to say for trying to be genuine is harder than it seems."

Yes, let me start with an apology. I apologize for every wrong (doing) that I've done. And maybe I too deserve an apology if reading this has made you sick. I don't know what else I could try. And my english? Sorry for the grammar mistake.
I... have a problem for saying things. Words got choked on my throat. I simply don't have the courage of saying things to you. Or maybe if I could chance is I will digress and we'll be running circle.
And maybe I'm too, scared of your reply. Whatever it would be. I'm fragile. (Hell yeah I'm fragile. I'm made of China *awkward laugh*)
Thing is, I'm always insecured. Well, I'm much better now. Thank you for everything. For the message. It means a lot.

And if me writing you this has made you angry (since we're on a break), I'm asking for your apology as well.
I'm writing this to have everything clear. Things that I want you to know, things I want to say, things I hope you'll answered.

I don't want to be that kind of girls who expect their boyfriends to know everything. I rather tell the simple truth. Or maybe you've already known what I'm feeling since people have said that I'm like an open book. I understand how busy you are, and once again I'm sorry if my texts bother you. I understand what you're trying to accomplish for our beloved **V and everything. It's just that, I'm really really afraid that you've got bored over me and went on to find a new girl (or maybe boy) in this period of time.

Reading your poem and stuff. I'm just afraid. This is me being completely honest with nothing to hide. And I don't want you to go looking for other girl in this break because I won't be doing the same thing. All that I know is you're busy. And if that's all that there is, I'm fine with it. The truth is your relationship status in f***book is the one that got me insecured. That and your poem, though as you've said, it could mean anything.

You know, I really wish I could be the best. I never lie with my worda although they sounded cliché sometimes (okay, they sounded cliché almost all of the time). I really wish you could tell me everything. Well, not literally everything. But you being open to me is something I wish could happen. And sorry if I were noisy. Asking stuff and - yeah.

I wish I could make you happy. There are times when I got mad when you replied me and I knew that you were angry. I'm sorry. You were busy and it wasn't my place to be angry. I didn't want to be a burden. I didn't want to drag you. Sometimes I wish I could be the one to help you in any sort of way. Truth is I don't know what else to say if this, in the end, has made you angry. The only thing that I could only keep saying is sorry.

I don't want to burden you. I didn't say some things because I didn't want to bother you with it. I used to think like, "It's okay. I'll deal with it. I don't want to bother him."

I never lie when I say I care about you and I truly want you to be happy. You mean a lot to me. I admit I was pretty messed up for the last couple of days. Hell yeah I miss you. This is getting real cliché and emotional, but yeah, what the heck. This is honesty. And you. You give me life purpose. And maybe, maybe that's enough because that's just above the greatest gift one can give another.
.....
Okay, I quote that up.
*awkward laugh and awkward silence*

I'm sorry I'm not a good entertainer. I'm sorry I keep saying sorry.

Please tell me everything. Please tell me what you feel like telling. If busy is what you only were, I'll wait. I'll wait for you, you know. And I can live with that as long as you're waiting for me also, though I really miss our little talk and hope we can be like we used to.
Truth is, I don't know what a 'break' really means. One thing for sure, I know regular contact is out of the question. But is it okay for me to just sit by your side or wait like I used to?

Sometimes I got uncomfortable when you're angry. It got a little bit discomforting and when that moment happened, I was trying to cheer you up. I got scared when you were mad. Yes, I want to help but I don't want to be your outlet of rage. You could tell me your problem but I don't want you to get mad at me instead. I'd love to listen to anything that you need to say but please don't be mad.
(I say too many buts)
I want to be a good person for you. And now I don't know what else to say. *scratching head*

I guess that's all. I'll try to say things directly and get better. I'll just try and wait. Wishing you luck for everything.

-*T

p.s. And here's a picture of us. It's the only picture of us that I have with you and me alone in a single frame.

p.p.s. Sorry about the envelope. I don't have a decent one.

p.p.p.s I have a bad sense of humor. HAHA! Still, I hope you read this with a smile on your face. :D :3 XD :)

"I believe in nothing but the truth in who we are."

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"Dalam setiap kata yang kaubaca, selalu ada huruf yang hilang, kelak kau akan menemukannya kembali, di sela-sela kenangan penuh ilalang." -SDD