Love Begins, Love Ends

At first, love begins with many gifts.

............

And it continues.

Love grows in my fantasy.

Then it looks at the world.

And it praises a Psalm.

Love can be spoken even with a dududu.

And a banana.

Love sings a lullaby for Christmas.

Along with Mary's.

Then it sleeps in a manger, while by its sheep it watched at night.

Love loves black and black.

And it proclaims the passion of Love.

Love falls from the trampolin and it can't find the ball.

Love is a broken concerto.

Love fails for the joy of man's desiring and it doesn't wait for the Lord.

Love chooses, love elects.

It arranges a medley from the West.

And it shares room with the paintings on some chalkboards.

Love fights the others even on the stage.

And the Lord bless it and keep it angry.

Then love marches to the South.

Love wins the one and one pair of eyeballs in an Eucharist.

Love fits in a white box.

Love is the light it sees and the truth it knows.

It fills up hundreds of water grenades at midnight and steals eggs.

In a Javanese pop song it reaches high A and it needs an organist.

Love doesn't care for a mere disqualification.

Then it claps its hands and sing Hallelujah for almost three hours.

Because it plays badminton whenever it can.

And it shouts in a café.

Love keeps money in a case of a violin, after six hours of tiring devotion.

But love smiles instead.

Love fights with noodles at the downtown and the cathedral.

Love doesn't sing when it is setting the chairs.

It eats its own food for lunch and buys for dinner.

Love is willing to die of waiting for a blue flower to groom.

And love succeeds.

............

At last, love ends with one spirit.

Sejak Suara Itu Kulihat

Semua awalnya hanya karena aku jatuh cinta pada hatimu.

Aku datang tepat bersama matahari
tanpa rerumputan di dahiku
menenggelamkan diri sendiri di keagungan suara
di dalam fantasiku, dimana semua damai dan jujur

Dari balik kebingungan dan ketiadaan
perlahan menyibak tirai agung
dan menyusup ke ruangan
yang berkumandangkan derik kumbang

Sudah dapat lalu kuikuti
dengan bahagia menuruti
bertambah selapis tiap ganti asa dan makin lagi
sambil datang dan perginya hati

Apalagi ketika sawah-sawah membentang
dan burung hinggap meninggalkan jejaknya di kepala kita
lalu kita bersorak-sorai di depan semua makhluk
meski hanya saja Tuan kurang bahagia
karena jalan menurun lagi

Sesalku harus pernah meninggalkan ruangan penuh cemara
meninggalkan kumbang-kumbang itu di bawah sinar bintang
yang dipermaklumkan dari timur
sebelas kali lebihnya dari dua milenium

Tapi bergegaslah kembali ke atas lembah hujan
kali ini dengan trampolin
sampai bingung mau ikut berjatuh atau tidak
yang penting kenangnya
aku dicinta penuh

Sempat lesu ditinggal terbang beberapa kepik tua
yang terakhir hanya hitam
tergantung di puncak tengkorak
habis itu pergi
yang bisa kukenakan hanya sandal
yang kini sudah lenyap juga
tapi cintanya tak ikut

Mereka ini gila atau putus asa jadi heranlah
aku lalu diminta duduk disana
dengan pohon bunga rosemary itu
yang tumbuh di istana pasir kita
sampai jadi kekasihku

Sudah hampir mati aku berguling-guling
sering bahu tak mampu menopang
kalau tanpa bunga mau jadi apa
yang meski tak selalu mekar tapi harumnya menyertai senantiasa
meski dari kejauhan bintang di angkasa

Sampailah kebanggaan di Selatan
yang hura-hura dengan telunjuk teracung
yang potongan apapun tak berarti rugi lagi
karena hati sudah jaya
hati sudah satu

Sesaat aku tidak suka dengan kenangan akan yang ini
yang jauh-jauh tetapi hanya segelintir
yang isinya hanya kumbang mengernyit bersahutan
lalu pulang dengan cuka di air mata

Kemudian berganti lagi lembarnya
dan sampai muntah aku dibuatnya
meski hanya dua helai
tetapi besar dan tulus
dan teristimewa kubawa dari Jawadwipa
untuk empat ratus empat puluh ditambah delapan
dan lagi-lagi tidak peduli seberapa potongannya
hati tetap jaya dan makin satu

Yang meskipun hanya beberapa deret gigi
tetap menggulingkan batu kubur
sampai berebutan bunyi
dalam kotak-kotak perjanjian
namun senyum tetap terpampang

Beberapa lama banting kursi dan meja
sampai berkelahi dengan diri sendiri
dan berjibaku dengan sumpah palapa
sampai Hayam Wuruk bunuh diri bersamamu sobat

Sampai titik darah penghabisan
jam sebelas waktu malam itu
untung belum berdentang dua belas kali
meski sempat jemur gigi depan gerbang suci
menunggu satu ikat pita
berselimutkan bidadari bersayap biru
yang memang takkan pernah membunuhku

Kemudian pergilah kekasihku
meninggalkan istana pasir kita
bersama sajak di atasnya
dan aku tersisa
ditelanjangi kumbangku sendiri

Hingga kini aku sampai tidak tahan
lalu hanya bisa tersenyum
semua sudah bukan yang sudah pergi
lalu menunggu sampai diusir pergi
karena ingin mencintai yang tak ingin dicintai

Terima kasih, yang lalu
Dan maafkanlah, yang kini
Semoga bercita dan cinta, yang nanti

Dariku, dari tangkai pohon bunga rosemary. Selamanya.

Semoga cerita cinta ini sampai bersama cinta itu sendiri.

The Lost Letter

The very most honest and amazing letter I've ever recieved.

Well, please know that when I ever said to you that I loved you, I really meant it. Our love was real.

* * *

April 25, 2013.

"Dearly Beloved, are you listening?
Let me apologize to begin with. Let me apologize for what I'm about to say for trying to be genuine is harder than it seems."

Yes, let me start with an apology. I apologize for every wrong (doing) that I've done. And maybe I too deserve an apology if reading this has made you sick. I don't know what else I could try. And my english? Sorry for the grammar mistake.
I... have a problem for saying things. Words got choked on my throat. I simply don't have the courage of saying things to you. Or maybe if I could chance is I will digress and we'll be running circle.
And maybe I'm too, scared of your reply. Whatever it would be. I'm fragile. (Hell yeah I'm fragile. I'm made of China *awkward laugh*)
Thing is, I'm always insecured. Well, I'm much better now. Thank you for everything. For the message. It means a lot.

And if me writing you this has made you angry (since we're on a break), I'm asking for your apology as well.
I'm writing this to have everything clear. Things that I want you to know, things I want to say, things I hope you'll answered.

I don't want to be that kind of girls who expect their boyfriends to know everything. I rather tell the simple truth. Or maybe you've already known what I'm feeling since people have said that I'm like an open book. I understand how busy you are, and once again I'm sorry if my texts bother you. I understand what you're trying to accomplish for our beloved **V and everything. It's just that, I'm really really afraid that you've got bored over me and went on to find a new girl (or maybe boy) in this period of time.

Reading your poem and stuff. I'm just afraid. This is me being completely honest with nothing to hide. And I don't want you to go looking for other girl in this break because I won't be doing the same thing. All that I know is you're busy. And if that's all that there is, I'm fine with it. The truth is your relationship status in f***book is the one that got me insecured. That and your poem, though as you've said, it could mean anything.

You know, I really wish I could be the best. I never lie with my worda although they sounded cliché sometimes (okay, they sounded cliché almost all of the time). I really wish you could tell me everything. Well, not literally everything. But you being open to me is something I wish could happen. And sorry if I were noisy. Asking stuff and - yeah.

I wish I could make you happy. There are times when I got mad when you replied me and I knew that you were angry. I'm sorry. You were busy and it wasn't my place to be angry. I didn't want to be a burden. I didn't want to drag you. Sometimes I wish I could be the one to help you in any sort of way. Truth is I don't know what else to say if this, in the end, has made you angry. The only thing that I could only keep saying is sorry.

I don't want to burden you. I didn't say some things because I didn't want to bother you with it. I used to think like, "It's okay. I'll deal with it. I don't want to bother him."

I never lie when I say I care about you and I truly want you to be happy. You mean a lot to me. I admit I was pretty messed up for the last couple of days. Hell yeah I miss you. This is getting real cliché and emotional, but yeah, what the heck. This is honesty. And you. You give me life purpose. And maybe, maybe that's enough because that's just above the greatest gift one can give another.
.....
Okay, I quote that up.
*awkward laugh and awkward silence*

I'm sorry I'm not a good entertainer. I'm sorry I keep saying sorry.

Please tell me everything. Please tell me what you feel like telling. If busy is what you only were, I'll wait. I'll wait for you, you know. And I can live with that as long as you're waiting for me also, though I really miss our little talk and hope we can be like we used to.
Truth is, I don't know what a 'break' really means. One thing for sure, I know regular contact is out of the question. But is it okay for me to just sit by your side or wait like I used to?

Sometimes I got uncomfortable when you're angry. It got a little bit discomforting and when that moment happened, I was trying to cheer you up. I got scared when you were mad. Yes, I want to help but I don't want to be your outlet of rage. You could tell me your problem but I don't want you to get mad at me instead. I'd love to listen to anything that you need to say but please don't be mad.
(I say too many buts)
I want to be a good person for you. And now I don't know what else to say. *scratching head*

I guess that's all. I'll try to say things directly and get better. I'll just try and wait. Wishing you luck for everything.

-*T

p.s. And here's a picture of us. It's the only picture of us that I have with you and me alone in a single frame.

p.p.s. Sorry about the envelope. I don't have a decent one.

p.p.p.s I have a bad sense of humor. HAHA! Still, I hope you read this with a smile on your face. :D :3 XD :)

"I believe in nothing but the truth in who we are."

* * *

"Dalam setiap kata yang kaubaca, selalu ada huruf yang hilang, kelak kau akan menemukannya kembali, di sela-sela kenangan penuh ilalang." -SDD